Posts tagged On Coming Alive
I’M ON MY WAY, BUT I’M NOT THERE YET

I remember watching my sweet wife’s expression when she first laid eyes on Mitch in the delivery room. She immediately wept tears of joy and was overcome with a love that transcends words – a love only a mother can know. I cried watching her love him – I was so happy. Soon I got to hold our little baby for the first time; he was so tiny and I marveled at the miracle of life. I loved him the moment I laid eyes on him – for he was my son.

It is so hard to say goodbye after 10 years of life and love. I wish I had the power to heal him. I wish I could have traded places with my son. 

I will never forget a tender conversation I had with Mitch just after he returned home from the hospital to die. I was tucking him in and he wanted me to cuddle with him for a while. As I lay by my broken son, we gazed into each other’s eyes and had the most soulful exchange I have ever experienced. I told Mitch that while I had been scrambling to find a way to save him, it was he who was saving me. With tears in my eyes, I thanked my little boy for being such a good example to our family and for inspiring me to be a better daddy, husband and person. Mitch cried and told me how happy he was and that he felt loved. With a kiss to his forehead my little boy continued to cry happy tears and tenderly burrowed his frail body into mine and drifted off to sleep. I wept a strange potpourri of tears that night – and many nights thereafter. Little Mitch was then, and remains today, the most profound and painful gift of my life. And though I journey through the wilderness of grief, I’m on my way, but I’m not there yet.

There is nothing linear about grief. I have often heard “time heals all” as though that glib phrase should give peace of mind or assuage a grieving heart. At least for me, that phrase has little to no meaning – and in some cases it does more harm than good. I would be quite content to never hear that phrase again. Time alone is no healing agent; that is a loosely written fiction. I believe healing has less to do with the passage of time but rather, like all things in life, it’s what we do with our time that matters. Surely time is necessary, but it is a minor ingredient. If I spend my time finding ways to bind my wounds and dress them with healing things – I am more likely to accelerate my path to recovery. On the other hand, if I mask my pain or agitate tender wounds, they may never close or heal. Time is a neutral thing – it’s what I do with it that matters.

I am on my way to healing, but I’m not there yet. I don’t know that I’ll ever fully recover from the loss of my son. What I can say is today is better than yesterday; not because time has simply passed but because I am allowing myself to do what I must – to accept my sorrows, and to not run from them but rather let pain take its course. I am learning to grieve in my own way, to hurt as long as I need to, to cry often (and I cry often), to write and remember everything that comes to mind. And, of course, I pray. I pray for peace and understanding. I pray also that my son knows how much I love and miss him. What I wouldn't do to hold him for 5 minutes. 

I recently read a saying, “Those who mistake success for significance, will lead a deeply unfulfilled existence.” I pray I will never confuse the two. I would sooner give someone a boost, a smile or a loving hand than fill my wallet with that which does not satisfy. After all, you can’t fill an empty soul with empty things. 

Little Mitch, my broken son, has taught me how to truly live ... to think less on the things I get and more on what I give. For my little boy had nothing to his name, save some little toys and modest clothes, his material things were plain. If he had nothing but gave so much, I have much to learn from him. For he lived a quiet life of significance and my heart he did truly win.

I’m on my path to healing, the end I cannot see, for the wilderness of grief seems to stretch out to forever, even to infinity. Please be patient with me my son … for I am broken, too, just in different ways than you. I’m on my way, but I’m not there yet.

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THE POWER OF NOW

We just returned from a weekend trip to Bear Lake – a place we've frequented over the years as a family. This was the first time we went there without Mitch.

The lake, nestled deep in the mountains, was as beautiful and serene as I remembered it to be. Because I tend to be deeply sentimental I attach vivid memories to places, things and moods. It is both a blessing and a burden. Almost everything reminds me of something. Bear Lake was no exception and reminded me of little Mitch because he had some great times there. So, as we reached the mountain summit and saw the lake for the first time since Mitchell’s passing I had to swallow my tears – for I knew my son loved to be there and he wasn't … not the way we wanted him with us. 

As we approached the lake I made a conscious decision to turn my attention to my wife and kids because they were all I had left – and though I thought about Mitch often, I gave my family all that I knew to give. I wasn't perfect, but I gave it my best. I hope they felt it.

One of the difficulties of grief is learning how to move forward while part of your heart is forever frozen in time – ever longing for the one you lost. To say this process is difficult is an understatement.

On Saturday we rented a boat to water ski. Wyatt, my youngest son, was terrified when we left the harbor; this was the first time he saw me operate a boat and he was convinced I was going to crash. He cried and wanted to go back to shore. Before long he settled down and I let him steer the boat for a while. Once he understood how relatively easy it was to operate a boat, he relaxed. Wyatt no longer thought I was going to crash. It was neat to see Wyatt’s transformation from fear to confidence. Like many things in life, he needed to experience it to truly understand it. So it is with the purpose of life, too. We can talk about the virtues of faith at great length; we can write books and examine faith as an academic exercise; we can stand at pulpits and discuss the idea of faith – but it is only when the lights go out and we must take those terrifying steps in the darkness that we begin to truly understand faith. Until the trial of our own faith, it is merely wordplay and postulates. 

I took this photo of Mitch a few years ago while at Bear Lake. Because Mitchell’s legs were weak from DMD, his aunt Miriam pushed him so he could get more speed. Mitch smiled and laughed and it seemed as if he felt like a ‘regular kid’ for a moment. I will forever look back at moments like these and feel gratitude in my heart. Though my son was oppressed by a debilitating disease, with the help of others he felt a rush of freedom. 

This image hangs in my garage next to the 5 shovels that were used to bury my son. While those shovels are poignant symbols of love and loss, reminding me each day to be sober and sane, this image is also a symbol to me … a reminder to appreciate the power of now – for I will never have now again.

I often think back at the time I took this photo of Mitch– there was a lot going on in my professional life. It seemed as though the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I could have had a million excuses to postpone this trip a year or to stay home and work. Had I confused my values and priorities, had I decided work was more important than family, this moment, and a million like them, would have never happened. Regret is merely disappointment over the misuse of moments. I vow to never live a life of regret.

This image reminds me to never trade that which is good for that which is greater. I know when I die I won't look back and wish I spent more hours at the office. My most treasured memories won't be at a computer or in a conference room – they will be with the ones I love. And that will be my gift to them – the gift of time and attention … the gift of experience and memories. Though work is vital and important I know where it fits with my life priorities and I will never confuse them. My little son has taught me there is nothing more powerful than now. For now is when memories are made … not tomorrow, not some day in the future. Now.

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IT’S OKAY TO HURT, JUST DON’T HURT YOURSELF

A few years ago Mitch came dashing into my office and said, “Dad, come quickly! You have to see the most amazing rainbow.” I put Mitch on my back and quickly carried him upstairs to our front door. Indeed there was a rainbow, and it was beautiful. A summer storm had just broken and the afternoon sun revealed a most amazing spectacle of light against the backdrop of deep storm clouds and mountain shadows. 

Mitch pointed to the array of colors and shadows and said, “Isn't it amazing, Dad?” I kissed his forehead and said, “Yes, son, it is amazing; but not as amazing as you. You, little boy, are more amazing than all the rainbows combined.” Mitch reached up and gave me a tender hug.

I stumbled into this photo recently and was brought back to this sweet exchange with my son. As I looked at this photo I had a moment of clarity that is difficult to describe; clarity about love and loss, grief and coping, and life after the storm. I am new to all of this grief stuff and I am sorting it out a little every day. 

Recently I've been thinking about the notion “Your loved one wouldn't want you to be sad.” I believe this is an abused and confused statement. Surely our loved ones want us to be happy, but they also understand our sorrows in ways we do not - and it isn't necessary to feel guilt or veiled shame for hurting. Hurting is hard enough. 

I believe Mitch knows, with great clarity, every tear I shed is a symbol of the deep love I have for him. They are also tender prayers to my Father that my weary heart might someday find rest. I believe our loved ones who have passed on, if they are permitted to see our sorrows, don’t look upon us with pity or disappointment that we hurt, but rather deep understanding. For they know the depth of our grief is matched only by the depth of our love. Yes, they want for our happiness, but they also understand our hurt. I believe they reverence our grief more than we appreciate.

At least for me, coping with grief isn't about faux bravery or denying my most tender feelings for my son. It isn't about somehow stepping out of the shadows of sorrow – as though such shadows don’t exist. Coping with grief is about learning to see the light despite the inescapable shadows of sorrow. 

I see the light. 

In my quest for peace and understanding I am learning that it’s okay to hurt, so long as I don’t hurt myself.

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IN SEARCH OF HOME

Last night I went on a date with my sweet wife. As we were driving we saw a beautiful sunset and pulled over so we could enjoy the canvas of light that was disappearing before our eyes. Mitch was a fan of sunsets, too, and we couldn't help but think of our little boy and how he would have enjoyed seeing what we saw. 

To our left was a most beautiful array of warm colors as the sun was slowly descending; to our right were storm clouds (not seen in this image) that had all manner of deep blues – the contrast was stunning. As my wife walked down a dirt road to take in the sky I couldn't help but think of our journey to find a new normal. Though I didn't see Jupiter with my eyes, I could feel its tug nearby.

Later that evening I posted this photo I took with my phone to Instagram with the caption, “In Search of Home” making a veiled reference to a recent post about our journey from Jupiter, “Should I live out my days marooned in some place between the punishing gravity of grief and the near weightlessness I knew before, I will count myself blessed.”

This image isn't meant to be sad, nor is it a cry for help; rather, it is a symbol of progress, our journey with grief and our search for a new home. It shows we no longer live on Jupiter with its thin air and crushing gravity, though it is close by and the pains of loss shuttle us there often. The point of this image is we don’t live there anymore yet we search for a new home in an unfamiliar place.

For us the world remains unfamiliar on so many levels. The most mundane things remind me the world we once knew is no longer. When we go out to eat or see a movie as a family and we’re asked how many to our party, I often say “six” then quickly correct myself … “Oh, I mean five.” I never knew a simple number could hurt so much. And then there are those who naively say, “It’s been a year, it’s time to move on” … yet they know nothing of such a loss. They remind me that even the people in my life, however well intentioned, live in some other place much different than my own. 

What I've come to understand is the journey of grief is as unique as the individual bearing it. I have known death; I have lost a parent, family and best friends, but nothing has acquainted me with deep grief like the death of my child. That is an altogether different, catastrophic sorrow – there is simply no comparison. Yet, I think I have discovered something about grief: we don’t make a journey through grief … instead we make our journey with grief. Once we appreciate the force of that distinction we realize we never get over the death of a child we just learn to carry it differently. 

I have witnessed how having a child changes one’s life forever. In life there is simply no equal to the experience of having children. As I've noted earlier, 12 years ago Mitch didn't exist and I was quite content without him … but now that I've had him I find myself struggling to find a way to live without him. Because of Mitch, and my other children, my world has forever changed.

In the grand scheme of things, it seems humanity needs our children as much as they need us – for we are both teachers and students to each other. My children have taught me patience, sacrifice and the deepest meaning of love. Had I forgone the opportunity to have children I would have missed out on the greatest miracle in all the universe.

I have so many new stories to tell about Mitch and his journey. I don’t tell these stories to wallow in sorrow and I don’t tell them for fear my son will be forgotten – I tell them because they are what’s in my heart at the time … and if someone else can find their way through their own struggles, it is well with me. 

Though I may speak of grief [often through my grief] know that I do not live in a constant state of sorrow. Let this image become a symbol, not of sadness but of progress … that the journey continues as we search for a new home and a new normal.

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