Chris was asked to share two presentations at a conference aimed at mental health and wellness. The first address was about “how to build resilience into our lives”, and the second topic, “where do we go when life changes?” In the conference’s final keynote, Shris shared his concept of points of light and how, when we do the deep work of reflection, we can find gratitude for the past, peace in the present, and courage to face an unknown future.
There was always something healing about his tenderness. The echos of my son’s goodness still reverberate in the cathedral of my soul. Mitchie would have turned 20 today. I often wonder what he would be like if he were still here. I can paint a picture in my mind and my heart flutters and breaks, and somehow finds it’s way back together again. I know he’d be 20 today, but he will always be 10 in my heart. I miss my little boy but am grateful that we had him for almost 11 years.
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Grief and gratitude perform a delicate dance. At least for me, whenever I grieve, I’m either the observer or the dancer. Today is one of those days I’m trying to dance but stumbling over pebbles. I’m okay but I’m not okay. And that’s okay. That’s part of being human. #mitchellsjourney #babiesmadeofsand
A few weeks ago, I was helping my mother brainstorm book cover ideas for an autobiography she was completing.
We started talking about memories and other tender things. We were wrapping up when suddenly she paused and smiled, then said, “Just a minute, I want to show you something.”
A few minutes later, she returned with an old woodblock in her hands. It bore the brush strokes of a little boy who wanted to make his mother proud. At once, I hesitated but recognized it immediately. When I was very young, it was a class assignment, and I hadn’t seen it in at least 40+ years. I have a strangely vivid yet dreamlike memory of painting this. I remember working so hard on the petals and even more so on the green stem.
I remember.
I was deeply moved that she would keep such a thing. She has survived many epochs in her life, and I know it isn’t practical to keep everything that touches us – else we’d all be headliners on the television show Hoarders. But I was moved in ways I didn’t expect - that she would keep that little block of childhood art as a personal treasure brings tears to my eyes, even as I write this. She had a million and ten reasons to throw it out with each move to another city or country. Yet, she kept it hidden away, close to her heart.
I’ve been doing something similar with my children’s things. The adorably long-form essay Laura-Ashley wrote me years ago arguing [quite convincingly] why she should get a pet Ferret. Ethan’s pinewood derby car. Mitchell’s drawing of dragons. Wyatt’s elementary school craft projects. I hope to live long enough to show my kids my treasures of them – long after they’ve forgotten such treasures exist. Holding on to some of these treasures is like writing a lengthy love note, decades in the making. It’s a way of saying, “You see, I love you. I have always loved you.”
What an unexpected gift she gave me a few months ago, showing me a treasured thing. Now, I treasure it too – only differently.
Today is my good mother’s birthday. She has more years behind her than she has in front of her – and if I’ve learned one thing in recent years it’s later than you think. One day each of us will wake up and ache to have all the ordinary things we take for granted at this very moment. That gives me pause. That realization is changing me.
I wish I could make her the equivalent of this carefully painted block. I’m not that little boy who painted this so many years ago. But, in a way, I still am that little boy – forever wanting to honor her and make her proud. As I celebrate my mother’s birthday, I’m awash with feelings of the deepest gratitude. She showed how to be organized, work hard, think well, and that resilience isn’t just a thing you do when times are tough - it’s a lifestyle.
Over the years, she unknowingly prepared me for some of life’s most devastating challenges. And just recently showed me a breadcrumb of a parent’s love. It had a deeper impact on me than she’ll ever know.
Happy Birthday, Mom.
*** A Note to My Friends and Dear Readers:
You're going to notice a slight shift in some of my essays in the future. Yes, more stories of Mitch, but you're going to see additional stories about our life today - and the echo effect Mitch has in our lives. I'm going to be exploring how everything connects, and connection is everything.
A few years ago, I was in the deep end of my own personal therapy through writing. While I was in the middle of that deep work, I received a call from Mike Squires, a leader in the funeral services industry who happened across my blog.
I have an almost photographic memory of my first phone conversation with this good man. Vividly, I recall where I was sitting, the pencil I nervously twirled in my fingers, wondering why anyone would be interested in talking to me. I was at an especially low point in my professional life - so I was dazed and humbled when he shared some excerpts and photos from Mitchell's Journey and described the impact it had on him as a person and a professional.
He then asked me to speak to funeral directors at their regional conference in North Carolina. Mike, who I've come to know over the years and consider a personal friend wanted people in his industry to see life through the eyes of the bereaved. He had a sincere desire to deepen his industry's empathy for those who cope will inevitable loss.
As memory serves, that was the first time I was asked to fill a 2 hour keynote/speaker slot. In many ways, it felt like we entered a time machine and stepped behind the sacred curtains of suffering. Two hours felt like 20 minutes for everyone in the room.
A few weeks ago, Mike asked me to write an article for his magazine, Southern Calls; a name with symbolic reference to his region and industry. His magazines are truly visual works of art and a labor of love - helping the professionals in his industry walk with the bereaved in a spirit of reverence, service, and deep compassion for a life lived and lost.
After I wrote the article, which was almost "a letter to a funeral director", I got a text from Mike; "I received [your] article and photos. Still trying to take it all in. Would love to chat when you have a few."
Worried I might have missed the mark, I called him at my soonest opportunity - prepared to throw everything out and start over. Mike said the article was exactly what he was hoping for. Later in the conversation, he became tearful as he talked about Mitch and his compassion for those who face the aftermath of a death. I was reminded once more, of the deep and sincere goodness of this man.
At the moment, it looks like my article (with a few photos) covers 20 pages in his magazine.
I share all of this not to curry attention - but to thank Mike for the labor of love he performs in the service of those who struggle to cope with death and dying. Like my friend Mike, I hope to shine a little light for others who walk an otherwise darkened path.