When Mitch was tiny, he would sit in the back of a trailer attached to a 4-wheeler while his uncle drove short distances at a quick speed. Mitchell’s chubby little fingers gripped tightly the side of the trailer as he screamed and laughed like a baby pirate in pursuit of childhood treasures. Laura-Ashley and Ethan sat beside him and giggled at how fearless their little brother seemed.
Afterward, I would show Mitch the photos I took and he would say, “Dat made my tummy gig-go.” I would burst out in love-filled laughter, then hug and kiss his cheek. To this day, I can almost feel his little arms around my neck as I hugged him.
As he grew older, Mitch loved rollercoasters. He was fearless and enjoyed the rush and thrill of any ride – no matter how big and scary it may have seemed to an adult. During his last few years, I would have to reach over and hold his head steady on rollercoasters because his neck muscles were getting weaker. Sometimes while Mitch was laughing on a ride I would find myself crying; the combination of tears and the rushing wind blinded me from seeing my son’s smile. I cried because I knew everything my son enjoyed was coming to an end; not through death per se, but because DMD was destroying his muscles and I knew there would come a time he wouldn’t have the strength to lift his head from a pillow. A bitter irony for a little boy who drank life in by the goblet and spared no opportunity for adventure.
When I look back at this time with tiny Mitch, and the million-and-one other times just like this, my heart overflows with gratitude. Yes, heartache happened, but so did indescribable joy and fulfillment. Hurt is the eventual price we pay for love – whether we love a parent, sibling, child or pet … one day, we will lose all of them to time, circumstance and death. But that hurt is a small price to pay for a shot at love. I wouldn’t trade all the hollow pleasures and treasures of earth for this kind of love. It simply doesn’t compare.
This little boy happened … and with him came a hurt I never imagined, not even in my darkest nightmares. But so also came a love and joy I never supposed, not even in my most heavenly dreams.
This happened, the good and bad, and I am better for it. I thank my Father every single day on bended knee; for I know love and sorrow, and now I see.
I am posting a few other photos from this series on Instagram:
instagram.com/mitchells_journey
When Mitch was young he carried with him two toy figures. One was a man with a hardhat, ready to go to work and the other was a little boy with a ball cap and backpack. He never went anywhere that he didn’t carry these two figures in his chubby little hands or tiny pockets. Often, Mitch picked up the father, a symbol of me, and kissed it softly. I adored his tender, affectionate heart. I would then pick up the little boy, a symbol of my son, and kiss it in kind. Mitch would always giggle and give me a big hug.
“I love you so much, little Mitch.” I would say.
“ You see, there is a sacred place I want to be, beyond the hills and in a place I cannot yet see.
My little boy is there, waiting patiently ... waiting to see if I might offer symbols of my soul, evidence of who I love and what I believe ... not just in word, but deed.”
I discovered early on, what children lack in words they often make up for in other ways. Mitch didn’t always know how to share his feelings, so he found other means to tell me. I always tried to listen to his other means. For every symbol he created there opened a window into his soul. My other children did the same thing to some degree, but not like Mitch. He was not very talkative in his early years – and he found other ways to share what was in his heart and soul.
There is an old Chinese proverb that says, “There are no secrets of the soul that conduct does not reveal.” Each day, little Mitch shared symbols that revealed his soul. Each time, this little child took me to a sacred place.
In this photo, Mitch asked me to take a photo of him with his “guys”. I loved how he posed for the photo, resting his head against his marker-stained, chubby arm. I wish I could reach into this photo and kiss his face again. How my heart reaches through time and space, yearning to love …
I have a friend and business partner, Corey Berg, who once shared a quote, “In all things teach people about [God]. And if necessary, use words.” He was speaking of the ultimate symbol – how we choose to live. In my soul, I hope that my daily actions are a symbol, like little Mitch so often gave me … symbols that say more than words.
Though I have journeyed broken roads and wandered through the vast shadows of death, I have also climbed the highest mountains of life. Sometimes places so high, the air so thin, I could see the heavens and almost touch them. The peaks and valleys of life are sacred places, each in their own right. They teach us things we must learn, that add to our spiritual sight.
I am grateful for souls, symbols and sacred places. I have been to heaven and hell, and seen many faces. This little soul, who like a feather, softly landed in my heart, is now a symbol of my own journey’s new start. You see, there is a sacred place I want to be, beyond the hills and in a place I cannot yet see.
My little boy is there, waiting patiently ... waiting to see if I might offer symbols of my soul, evidence of who I love and what I believe ... not just in word, but deed.
When our kids were younger, Laura-Ashley would hold make-shift classes on Saturday morning. Instead of playing with toys or calling friends to hang out, she would gather up old stools and turn them into ad hoc desks. Within minutes she would transform her bedroom into a classroom. My sweet daughter would spend an hour writing up some form of curriculum, drafting handouts and preparing homework assignments for her younger brothers. And when class started, she would teach the boys about math, science, english and other topics. At the time, Wyatt was a tiny toddler and had no idea what was going on; he just sat patiently in his chair because his brothers were there.
Ethan and Mitch, being older, would always walk away with a homework assignment in hand, only to return later and have it graded. Most of the time Ethan and Wyatt attended her class - but Mitch always showed up. Always.
This is a photo of Mitch showing up. In truth, he didn't need to be there. He had already finished his chores, completed his real homework and was entitled to play time. But because showing up was important to his sister, it was important to him. I love that about him.
When I stumbled upon this photo series recently I was reminded of the power of showing up. He never had an agenda for personal gain – he simply offered his love and support. And that is a powerful thing.
So, when I look at this photo of an ordinary Saturday morning, when Mitch decided to show up, I feel a deeper resolve to be there for my wife and kids in every way I know how. I am flawed. I struggle to do the very things of which I write – but I try. God knows that I try. I am getting a little better at it each day.
Sometimes for those who wrestle with grief or struggle in other ways, just showing up and offering love and support is all that is needed. I receive thousands of private messages from people asking for advice, so they might help their friend or family member who is struggling. They almost always worry about saying the right thing in the right way – carefully treading an invisible minefield of words and unknowable emotions.
In my experience words of consolation, while comforting at times, do very little in the end. My advice to those who seek to comfort another is to worry less about the words you use and think more about how you cause the other person to feel. Sometimes showing up and saying, “I want you to know I care” is enough … and more.
I remember when my neighbor, Nate Copling, came to the hospital when Mitch was in the cardiac intensive care unit, on the verge of dying. He simply showed up, just like little Mitch did for his sister, and offered love and support. That meant a lot to me. But it was what he didn’t say … what he didn’t need to say … that made all the difference.
After this gentle, good man said goodbye to Mitch I walked him out of the CICU into a darkened hospital hallway. He turned to me with tears in his eyes and said nothing. He didn’t need to. I felt that he cared deeply. I knew that he mourned with me – which was more powerful and consoling than any arrangement of words.
Mitch and my friend Nate taught me how to show up in body, heart and soul. And when we do that, everybody grows.
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For those interested, I just posted a few extra photos of this moment on instagram.com/mitchells_journey
Even the most mundane moments mattered.
instagram.com/mitchells_journey