When Mitch was a tiny baby he knew just how to make me smile. In those early years I remember driving to the intersection where Natalie served as a crossing guard, surprising them with a quick hello. Baby Mitch sat in his car seat content with life and just glad to be alive. Natalie, his faithful mommy, would read books to him as they waited for children to cross the road. Mitchell always seemed excited to see me, but I was even more excited to see him. I'd jump in their car and we'd just talk. Mitch would look at me and smile - and that always seemed to turn a good day into a great day.
This morning as I thought of him, he did it again; I felt his smile in my soul. Today is going to be a great day.
I remember doing an audio interview with Mitch when he said, "Well, at least I have today." I loved that. I wrote it in my journal and I wrote it in my soul. I vowed from that moment on to always be grateful for today.
So, in keeping with Mitchell's words, I was grateful for today. It has been a day of love and reflection, peace, and mourning. Above all, this has been a day of gratitude.
My friend, Darrell Robinson, who helps me manage our Miles for Mitchell page, posted the following quote and invited those who follow that page to try to meet one of its challenges, in honor of Mitch.
I loved these words so much, I wanted to share them here. If ever there were a philosophy my son taught me, it is this. I pray to always be grateful for today and try to live by the following:
"... mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.
Write a letter. Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in word and deed.
Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge.
Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand.
Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else.
Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more.
Express your gratitude.
Welcome a stranger.
Gladden the heart of a child.
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.
Speak your love, and then speak it again."
-Howard Hunter
“Though I hurt when I see this photo, it is a happy hurt … if there is such a thing.”
I was working in my home office one night, volunteering my time and energy to help a small start-up find its way. I was under a lot of stress – I was deeply worried about my son’s heart condition while at the same time trying to deal with a myriad of complications at work. Like no time before in my life, I began to search for balance between work and family. I knew time was short and my son didn’t have much time left.
Mitchell walked softly into my room, pulled up a chair and sat next to me. He said, “Don’t worry, Dad, keep working. I just want to sit by you.” I nearly lost it. Though I was worried over work things, Mitch was all I thought about. I swallowed the lump in my throat and fought back the tears only to see his smiling face and kind eyes. I grabbed my cell phone and took this photo then said, “I love you, son.”
I put work away and Mitch and I just talked about his day.
Hanging from the bottom of his shirt were cables connected to a pocket-sized heart monitor that he was asked to wear for a few days. His cardiologist wanted to get a better sense of what was happening to our son’s heart and discover a possible cause for its rapid and unexplained decline. The miracle of medicine had no effect. Despite the promise of powerful drugs that might stay his heart’s decline, it was as though heaven itself was calling my son home – and all the medicine of man was but a vapor.
“Raising children is hard. Losing them to death is even harder.”
Neither Mitch nor myself realized that a few weeks from this photo he would be fighting for his life … that his tender heart would flutter and stop in the quiet of a winter night. We simply didn’t know how quickly things would come to an end. We just had this moment and I tried to love him with all that my heart could offer.
Raising children is hard. Losing them to death is even harder.
Tomorrow at midnight will be the 3rd anniversary of my son’s passing. In my mind it seems like a lifetime ago and in my heart it feels like yesterday … and here I am learning to live in the middle of those two. I can say with confidence that I am healing, but I am also hurting. I have come to accept that I will always hurt. Some days the hurt runs deep … into the marrow of my soul. Other days the pain of loss feels like a scrape. But I always hurt for him. I long to talk to him like I used to. I want to cuddle with him and watch the movies he so enjoyed. I miss helping him do what he could not … and I see now that in my efforts to help him, he was actually helping me. My Father knew that – and though this reality of life and loss is painful beyond measure, I am grateful for the things my son is teaching me.
There are many kind-hearted people who try to soothe those who grieve by suggesting our child is in a better place or just around the corner, perhaps in the next room … or some derivative of that thought. I am always grateful for their compassion and I have learned to listen to their intent more than their words. But let me make it clear, while my child may, indeed be in a better place, he is not in this place. He is not with me like he used to be – and that is why I grieve.
I will never forget this tender exchange with my son. I am glad I didn’t brush him off or ask him to leave because I had other things on my plate. I am glad I didn’t think myself too busy to give my child the time and attention he deserved. As a father, I stumble more than I get it right – but on this occasion, I got it right. Though I hurt when I see this photo, it is a happy hurt … if there is such a thing.
“The trouble with time is we always seem to think we’ll have enough of it.”
The look of panic on my sweet wife’s face is forever etched into my mind. The time we feared most had come. Mitchell’s urine bore evidence of catastrophic organ failure, his vitals were on a steady decline and we didn’t know if we had days, hours or minutes left with our son.
The drugs we administered to Mitch were both a blessing and a curse; a blessing because they kept him from suffering from the pain of organ failure and a curse because they kept his mind foggy and distant. We were blessed with the greatest hospice nurse to ever walk this earth. She was exactly what we needed during this dark time … a tender mercy for which I will thank Heaven the remainder of my days. She was there to guide and council us every step of the way – but because she didn’t live with us, we were left to face the majority of our time alone with our boy. That scared us.
Prior to hospice, all we knew was children’s Tylenol and sunscreen … then suddenly we were administering morphine and other powerful drugs to our child. All we wanted was to go back to the days of macaroni and cheese and band aids, scraped knees and children’s books. But that was not our lot in life.
I’ll never forget our first encounter with our hospice nurse. She was so kind and compassionate, yet strong and direct. She was immediately soothing to Natalie and me … parents who were fragile and frightened. This hospice nurse reminded us of what our DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form meant. She told us that if Mitch was is in trouble that we were not to call the ambulance, perform CPR, or any procedure that would prevent death. Now that he was home on hospice, her job was to help our son’s transition to death happen comfortably. After this good nurse left that first day, I remember going to my bedroom, closing the door and falling to my knees. I wept and wept. I prayed like I have never prayed before. “Take me!” I pleaded with my Father, “Please, take me instead. I would endure any suffering if it would spare my son.”
After a period of deep, tearful grief, I found myself back on my feet again. With feeble knees, I tried to bear the burdens of my family on my shoulders – but I soon realized I could not take away my family’s suffering. I could only walk with them and love them and do all I could to support them. Though I wished to carry it all, I realized that was not the purpose of life and that we must all experience joys and sorrows on our own if our souls are to truly grow.
Though I tried to be strong for my family, this good woman, my dear wife, was the strongest among us. I will always honor her for her strength and wisdom during this impossible time. I stood then, and continue to stand today, deep in her shadow.
So there we sat on the edge of the abyss, our son hanging by a pebble and slipping into the darkness. I sat on the edge of his bed in tears wondering how I could have been a better husband and father. I made plenty of mistakes and those mistakes weighed on my soul for a season. I wasn’t so upset with the occasions I might have been more patient with my children – for I knew we all make those mistakes and I always made things right with my kids. Instead I began to contemplate the time I wasted pursuing lesser, trivial things. I wanted to go back in time and invest that squandered time into my family. It wasn’t a lot – but enough to hurt. Enough to cause a little regret.
The trouble with time is we always seem to think we’ll have enough of it. It seems that only when we stand to lose everything do we find which things really matter. My family matters more to me than anything – and I have discovered how and where I spend my time matters just as much.