When Mitch was tiny, he would sit in the back of a trailer attached to a 4-wheeler while his uncle drove short distances at a quick speed. Mitchell’s chubby little fingers gripped tightly the side of the trailer as he screamed and laughed like a baby pirate in pursuit of childhood treasures. Laura-Ashley and Ethan sat beside him and giggled at how fearless their little brother seemed.
Afterward, I would show Mitch the photos I took and he would say, “Dat made my tummy gig-go.” I would burst out in love-filled laughter, then hug and kiss his cheek. To this day, I can almost feel his little arms around my neck as I hugged him.
As he grew older, Mitch loved rollercoasters. He was fearless and enjoyed the rush and thrill of any ride – no matter how big and scary it may have seemed to an adult. During his last few years, I would have to reach over and hold his head steady on rollercoasters because his neck muscles were getting weaker. Sometimes while Mitch was laughing on a ride I would find myself crying; the combination of tears and the rushing wind blinded me from seeing my son’s smile. I cried because I knew everything my son enjoyed was coming to an end; not through death per se, but because DMD was destroying his muscles and I knew there would come a time he wouldn’t have the strength to lift his head from a pillow. A bitter irony for a little boy who drank life in by the goblet and spared no opportunity for adventure.
When I look back at this time with tiny Mitch, and the million-and-one other times just like this, my heart overflows with gratitude. Yes, heartache happened, but so did indescribable joy and fulfillment. Hurt is the eventual price we pay for love – whether we love a parent, sibling, child or pet … one day, we will lose all of them to time, circumstance and death. But that hurt is a small price to pay for a shot at love. I wouldn’t trade all the hollow pleasures and treasures of earth for this kind of love. It simply doesn’t compare.
This little boy happened … and with him came a hurt I never imagined, not even in my darkest nightmares. But so also came a love and joy I never supposed, not even in my most heavenly dreams.
This happened, the good and bad, and I am better for it. I thank my Father every single day on bended knee; for I know love and sorrow, and now I see.
I am posting a few other photos from this series on Instagram:
instagram.com/mitchells_journey
Mitch was home on hospice for a few days and was anxious to play a new video game that had just been released. We wanted him to enjoy what little time he had left, so we paved the way for him to play. The thunder of crashing sounds and music filled the air. Mitch was audibly in awe of the game’s graphics and I could hear him down the hall saying, “Oooooh, that is so cool!”
Suddenly there was silence.
“Oh … no. Not now. Please, not now.” I cried inside.
Panicked, I ran down the hall with the speed of an Olympian to see if Mitch was okay – after all, his cardiologist said he was at risk of instant death. He was sitting strangely quiet on the couch when I said in a worried tone, “Mitch, are you okay?”
Mitch smiled softly and whispered, looking toward his hand, “Dad, look.” I then saw baby Marlie who had rested her head softly on his hand and began to sleep. Mitch didn’t move a muscle.
In this very moment my heart burst with love and gratitude. I loved my son with all of my heart and was grateful he was entrusted to me. I loved this puppy for what she did for my dying boy’s heart and soul. I loved my father-in-law for becoming an instrument of love and mercy – for finding this puppy for my sick child before he passed away. And most of all, I loved my Father for the many tender mercies that were in my life – however undeserving I may have been.
Though we were hurting deeply, we were also being helped by an influence unseen – and that is no small thing. Yes, Mitchell’s Journey is a story of love for a sick child … but it is also a story of Heavenly love. Somewhere in all my heartbreak, deep in the shadows of sorrow, I have discovered that Heavenly love anew.
I lost track of the many winter nights when I wept and pled for my son – that somehow Heaven would make things right. Eventually an insight, like a flash of light, broke through; “Be patient, my child, death is not the end, and there is something I want you to learn about you.”
Slowly time passed – and I found myself in agony over moments lost. Days turned into weeks and months turned into years. Over time I have learned to walk again and see far past my tears.
It’s microscopic moments like this, between a baby dog and a sick little Mitch, that change the way I see. Instead of focusing on grief and hardship I’ve learned to appreciate our many, many tender mercies. If we’re not watchful, we could complain about the pain and sorrow all day – blinded by grief, unaware of the blessings and heavenly helps along the way.
I look for microscopic moments to be grateful, because they all add up. And before I know it, those little blessings fill my empty cup.
We just finished swimming at a local recreation center with a handful of cousins who were summoned by their benevolent grandfather. Like a wise herdsman, this good man knows how to gather his flock and tend for his children and grandchildren. He is keen to pass down to his children and grandchildren experiences, not things. A philosophy I can get behind.
The kids each smelled vaguely of chlorine, the color of their eyes ranged from pink, to red, to bloodshot. And each child was on the verge of needing a nap from playing in the water for hours. After our swimming adventure, Dee (my father-in-law) invited everyone over to Panda Express, one of Mitchell’s favorites. Orders were taken and cousins quickly scattered across the restaurant claiming their tables. Mitch, wanting to sit by me, sat across the table. I loved how Mitch always wanted to sit by my side – because I very much wanted to sit beside him. There was something different about him. Something quite special.
My father-in-law, seeing Mitch not with the other kids, decided to sit by him and start a conversation. This old man, seasoned by life and experience, leaned toward my young son and wove a fantastical story about some fictional character he created in his mind. A master storyteller, he is. Mitch gazed into the distance, swept away by his story.
I, too, was swept away as I watched these two lovely souls, divided by generations of experience, interact so softly. I thought to myself, “What an inheritance this is ...” I began to think about what we pass on to the next generation … the things they inherit from us.
My father-in-law seems to model that old proverb that says, “Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has food for a lifetime.” In his own special way, he teaches his family how to fish; how to smile at an old pair of shoes and save what we might otherwise spend foolishly. He teaches his grandchildren how to be entertained without electronics and to enjoy the lost art of storytelling. That, and so much more does this good man pass down. The true value of his inheritance is a gift that cannot be counted or measured today.
When my father died, I inherited a little over $2,000. I was young and on my own; a first-year college student who didn’t know his place in the world and would have traded all the treasure of earth to have his father by his side. The world was big and I was small – a pebble in a vast sea of humans who always seemed to be in a hurry, tossed to-and-fro by the tides of culture. I didn’t care about any financial inheritance - instead, as a young man I pondered deeply on the greater inheritance – what my father really passed on to me. I wanted to live up to his good name and great heart.
So when I saw my son and his grandfather I thought how lucky they were to have each other – and I began to think back on the things we inherit. The things that really matter. In this moment I saw my son inheriting one of life’s richest treasures: a loving grandfather passing down an experience of the mind, heart and soul and my little boy drinking in the moment and every word that was told. Though he was young, my son’s soul felt old.
The longer I live the more I have come to see that age is a mirage … it is simply illusory. How old is our soul, really? One day we will see.
When I was young I imagined living to a ripe old age ... passing down an inheritance for generations yet to be. Now broken-hearted and bereft … I’m finally beginning to see an inheritance my son passed down to me.
Going home, to that place I love to be.
Yet there is another home ... a place I cannot yet see. I wonder what it's like... a sacred grove, a grassy knoll, or perhaps a place so filled with light we cannot imagine it, not even in our dreams.
Somewhere out there my little child waits for me.